Broken Rib
I wash all thought of you
from my mind.
Routinely.
Still, you surface
like the broken rib
of a long-forgotten wreck
left behind for better times,
as if the light of day will change
your waterlogged story, erase
the memory of our stormy past.
This poem is my response to Quadrille night: ashes to ashes, the prompt from Sarah at dVerse ~ Poets Pub, which is to use a form of the word ash in a 44-word poem (excluding title), with no required meter or rhyme. Wash from your mind any thought that “wash” is not a form of “ash.”
**Returning to this after a couple of hours, I see that I could have
written it this way and included “ash.”
Broken Rib
I wash all thought of you
from my mind.
Yet, you surface
like the broken rib
of a long-forgotten wreck,
as if the light of day will change
your waterlogged story,
erase our stormy past. If only
it had been reduced to ash.
Image source: National Park Service
I love your semantic field here – the boat rib (which linked to Adam and Eve for me), the water-logging, the storm – and then the ending, a reminder of fire – lightning, maybe? Anway, I like it a lot.
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Thank you, Sarah. I hoped the rib would be seen that way.
And thank you for the prompt.
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I liked both versions… the inclusion of ash was well done anyway… I think all relationships (especially the stormy ones) leaves you with something
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They do. Best to hold on to the good. Thank you, Björn.
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Both fine, Ken. I lean toward Version 2 for its fire/water contrast. Nice work(s), Brother.
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Thanks!
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Beautifully done! I love the intensity here .. relationships can be stormy and can reduce one’s being and emotions to ash. 💝💝
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Thank you, Sanaa. Yes, and best left behind as one moves forward.
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The triggers vary as do the responses. If only they could be just the warm fuzzy ones.
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The bad with the good. Thank you, Lisa.
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You’re welcome.
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I too like both versions. That first stanza tells of a troubled relationship….a trying to wash away a memory.
I like the use of waterlogged and then moving into that stormy past.
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Sometimes a clean break is not in the cards.
Thank you, Lillian.
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A stormy relationship briefly told. I also like the biblical symbolism , Ken.
I’m not sure which version I prefer.
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I tend to keep the various drafts of my poetry, including the final version. I also am not sure which of these I prefer, so have kept the two together as a “final” version. Thank you, Merril.
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You’re welcome. I kept changing my mind as I re-read them. 😀
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Sarah’s reference to Adam and Eve/rib is really stuck in my head now
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I’m not a big fan of that symbolism, but I figured it fit here.
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I enjoyed both versions too but the revised one brings to the forth our eventual ending – ash.
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True, regardless of what transpires. I hadn’t thought of it in that way, so thank you, Grace.
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Oh i read the firdt version twice thinking i had missed the word ash.
Bravo for your Version 2
Thanks for dropping by to read mine
Much💜love
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🙂 Thank you, Grace. 🙂
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I like both versions – I especially found the word “routinely” very very powerful. Very telling. And yes, the implications of Adam/Eve – relationships etc. comes through very well. I think the first one speaks more of a distancing, focusing more of the other person’s story, where the second version offers a duo-perspective, is more about how both respond/react in the connection. As I noted, I’m not sure I could choose – I think the first works in a more subtle sense, if one is searching for the “effects” – by simple virtue of, again, “routinely” …. so maybe, for me, that’s the clincher. Either way, definitely a good exploration and poetic offerings.
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Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
“routinely” — Yes, I considered removing it from the first poem, due to word count, but I felt it was too important so edited elsewhere. With the second version, I felt the added line replaced the emphasis of of routine by ending it.
If not adhering to the 44-word limit of the prompt, I might have included both.
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yes, it can be quite the conundrum – a tight word count means the editing really becomes pointed and particular – but it’s a really excellent word crafting exercise – it shows how a few words can alter direction, tone, emphasis etc. – but you already know this – as you also write flash! At any rate, both versions are strong and interesting, slightly different, but worthy of the content being offered up.
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☺️
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Delightfully written. Personally I think I favor the second simply for the power of the dichotomy. All aside, I adore the imagery – wet and protruding, a brutal haunt indeed.
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Thank you. With the second, I was trying to emphasize the separation.
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I like the contrast of surfacing and sinking. Water does not always cleanse. (K)
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True. Sometimes we drown in our efforts.
Thank you, Kerfe.
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I felt the stormy recollections here, if only it would completely turn to ash is a powerful thought!
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Thank you. Some things are best left behind.
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I too like both versions. I especially like these lines: “as if the light of day will change
your waterlogged story,”
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Thank you. Water tends to work its way into my poetry. I blame nature. 😉
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Nailed it!
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Thanks!
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Beautifully written in both versions, Ken – some memories will not burn down to ash.
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Thank you, Ingrid. So true. There will always be reminders.
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Wonderful way to express how some memories refuse to be erased. Love the ‘waterlogged’ imagery.
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Thank you. Some things we carry with us for life.
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Oy… I keep rereading one after the other, and I can’t choose between them… I liked the first one before you added the second one… but the second one is awesome too…
❤
David
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Thanks on both counts, David.
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I like the first version (a lot), to be honest. The image of a wreck emerging at low tide is very strong. There seem to be too many ‘it’s in the last line of version 2, unless I’m misunderstanding it.
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Thank you, Jane.
And thanks for catching that typo. Corrected.
I saw that as soon as I added the new version, and I thought I had corrected it right away, but looking at my browser just now I see the tab still sits there waiting to be “updated.” Doh!
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I hoped you wouldn’t mind me pointing it out. I always think ignoring a typo makes it seem as though I hadn’t read the poem close enough to have noticed!
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🙂👍🙏
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I like both versions, touching grief and unhappiness powerfully.
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That lingering ache is described so well here. Pain and the memory of pain. Powerful.
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Thank you. And, sorry for the late response!
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Both of them are so well executed Ken, but the second one is my favorite.
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In looking through my media for this image, I discovered I had missed your comment!
Thank you, Linda.
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Nice work, I love the power and the voice within the lines. Thanks for sharing!
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And thank you!
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You’re quite welcome
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