Whispering
The prompt for NaPoWriMo.net Day 30 is to write a minimalist poem. I probably write more haiku than anything else, but I’m going to take a different route with this. I’ve taken a poem that I wrote 18 years ago, “The Love You Share,” and changed it, first by rewriting it, then reducing it in stages, until it’s a senryū, and then just one word.
The Love You Share
The moonlight, seen through your lovers eyes,
While holding hands under starry skies.
A gentle whisper that none will hear,
Except the lover that you hold near.
A tear that lies just above your cheek
And dries when you hear your lover speak.
A smile on your lips each time you take
A moment to watch your lover wake.
All this will be yours, for this I know:
The love that you share will make it so.
~~~~~
Born of a Whisper
Looking upon the moon reflected in her eyes,
he is overwhelmed by a flood of emotions.
Leaning closer as he holds her hand,
he strokes her soul with a gentle whisper.
A tear at the corner of her eye is poised
to fall, slowly drying as he speaks.
Born of a whisper, the bond that joins
their hearts is stronger than any word.
Lying beside him now, she smiles softly
as he stirs, reliving that first whisper.
Every time he wakes, her smile and gaze
assure him of the love they share.
~~~~~
Whisper
a bond is born of a gentle whisper
that strokes her soul
a flood of emotion brings tears
soon dried by the words
echoes stir her emotions
each time she sees him wake
remembering that first whisper
~~~~~
Whisper
a gentle whisper
strokes her soul,
echoes forever
as a bond is born
~~~~~
gentle whisper
echoes forever
bonding souls
~~~~~
whispering
Image source: giphy.com (edited here)
rivrvlogr 
Fascinating exercise, Ken. It was interesting to see the poem at each stage.
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Thank you, Merril.
I suppose that in reverse it could be the creation of the first poem.
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That can be your next one! 🙂
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🙂
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Wonderful 🙂
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Thank you.
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😊🌼
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Rules are there to be followed.
Yet also to be broken.
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And rules are made to be reviewed.
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Amazing – each of the versions seems perfect, yet the progression (reduction) is equally satisfying. I do have my favorite stages – 1st and 5th – after multiple reads.
Now I have the itch to go try this on some of my older poems.
I’ve heard many poets/instructors counsel “keep all versions of your poems” – I don’t and probably won’t start, but WOW your post shows a value in hanging onto interim versions. The sequential reading of these is very effective. And your finale about as minimalist as one can get – you get gold stars for this one!
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🙂 Thank you, Jazz.
I tend to write and move on. I don’t look back often enough, unless I know something is unfinished, but I do rewrite old poems, occasionally. However, I’ll save drafts each time I revise something I’m working on, even if that’s just over the course of the day. It helps me understand the process – I have a memory like a sieve.
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This is wonderful! I like how you did the progression, and the original poem made me cry a little bit.
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Aww. I hope you don’t mind if I smile at that.
And thank you!
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Oh, very good! It’s a good exercise, paring down to essentials, though I have to say, as a poem my favourite is the first one.
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Thank you, Jane.
2001. It’s hard to remember, but I think I was trying to work something up for a friend’s wedding. It wasn’t this, but it would have put me in the mood.
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I can see how paring down to the essentials would be the best way to tackle a wedding speech.
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I enjoyed this poem as process. Nice.
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Thank you.
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What a great exercise and a very enjoyable collection of poems.
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🙂 Thanks!
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These are all beautiful! I think my favorite is the second one. But all are lovely! ❤
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Thank you, Very much!
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Very interesting to see the compression stages. Each version is beautiful but I do like the last one best.
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Thank you, Charlotte. I surprised myself with the last two.
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Hard to pick a favorite. You are so good at teasing out essences.
I’ve been reading a book about Chinese reversible poems, and I could see you mastering the form, which I find both beautiful and mysterious. I was drawn at first to the images which are complicated arrangements of Chinese characters, but I’ve really enjoyed the translations of the various poems formed from the characters too. (K)
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Thank you, Kerfe.
That book sounds interesting.
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I found it in the library–it’s called Wild Geese Returning, by Michele Metail.
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Thanks. I’ll look it up.
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Amazing!
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Merci!
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